


All This Time I've Been Hiding

by solo (gay_wristwatch)



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Religious Discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29422575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_wristwatch/pseuds/solo
Summary: After the debacle with the mussels, Shelby's feeling the weight of becoming an outcast because of her beliefs. Nora talks it out with her.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	All This Time I've Been Hiding

**Author's Note:**

> ah, procrastinating my longer fic to write fleeting oneshots. classic me!

They actually managed to save Martha, and Toni, and somehow everyone is still alive and...reasonably well, considering. The repurcussions of the mussel incident mostly fade away as everyone manages to rehydrate, mostly with the help of Shelby at first. They boil sea water for salt, and the group settles back into their...relatively less acute survival situation.

Shelby thinks it's funny that she found herself thanking God for her shellfish allergy; if she had been able to eat them too, they all would be a lot worse off at the least. Moments like these really made her life feel like it was orchestrated or planned, on some level, and in this particular circumstance, it really felt like God had placed her here to be there for these girls during this crisis, among other things (how could she know?). She's too exhausted and hungry to really dig deep and think about that one, right now, though--so she drops the thought as best she can and goes back to what she was doing: sitting alone in front of the waves, outside the reach of the tides. Most everyone else is around the fire.

They don't really seem to want her there at the moment, so she keeps her distance and wonders how long this will last. She drops her forehead back onto the tops of her knees and closes her eyes.

The sand and the waves keep her from hearing the careful approach of her fellow castaway.

"Shelby?"

She doesn't expect--well, she doesn't expect anyone at all--but much less Nora. "Hi," Shelby offers, uncertainly. Nora doesn't look hostile, but then, she never really did toward anyone but Rachel in their worst moments. Still, Shelby wonders what she might want, especially since she’d never really spoken much that wasn’t necessary to Nora.

"Can I sit with you?"

"I...Sure," Shelby turns her head back toward the waves. Nora's lying back, propped up on her forearms, so she's not sure if she's just being paranoid, or if she really does feel the other girl's gaze on her. "Not sure why you want to, though."

"I've been...wondering, about before," Nora says, and of course, there's really only one thing she could be talking about. 

"I don't know if I really want to talk about this," Shelby sighs and puts her head back down again. "I don't think any of y'all really get it. It's just the way I was raised, I--" Shelby cuts herself off there.

Nora waits, but Shelby doesn't seem to have anything more to say just yet. "I'm sure you think differently from your parents in a lot of ways, though...everyone does."

"Sure. But for me that's all like, not liking some of the music they like, or being okay with cussing," Shelby replies. Nora stays silent, like she knows that Shelby is so ambivalent about keeping everything on the subject of homosexuality to herself that she'll switch to spilling everything, eventually. Not yet, though. Shelby stays quiet, too.

"It's just, it's odd, to me. Someone our age thinking the way you say you do."

Shelby scoffs. “Daddy's always rantin' about how the country's changing, the direction things are goin'," Shelby says with a hint of sarcasm and derision. She still isn't even looking at Nora but she can sense how she perks up slightly. 

"Sounds like you aren’t on the same page, then," Nora says, like she found something she was looking for.

"Guess you're right. But with this, it's not just them. End of the day, I can't really disagree with God's word," Shelby explains. " _That's_ how they raised me. That's why they believe the way they do--like I said, it's not about hate--" Shelby stops, again, fearful that she was working herself up too much. "It's just about what's godly, you know, livin' the way he said we should," she finishes.

“But Jesus never says anything about homosexuality, I don't think..." Shelby is positive that if Nora knows that, she's only playing at being uncertain to prompt agreement from Shelby herself.

She gives it.

"Right..." Even Shelby had spent time online, making use of the computers in the library for once, researching, trying to hear more than one side of this story from other Christians. Her church decried the beliefs of "liberal Christians" but Shelby was starting to think they might have a point. "It's a little...well, it's definitely debatable," she admits. She didn’t want to admit how much time she’d spent agonizing over the question, herself.

"If you know that, I don't believe you said all that just to make Toni or anyone angry. That seems...a bit much. Even for you two.“

The unspoken question is what’s started to become obvious and unavoidable for Shelby. Why keep that up, here? ” _I do real. I do Jesus. I do pageants._ ” She was holding onto the vestiges of the front she’d shown off on the plane. But hasn’t it been…way too long on this damn island to keep up unnecessary façades? Maybe she still needs them.

"No, that's not why. Habit, I guess. You get that even if I'm not one hundred percent in agreement with 'em, I can't exactly be in the habit of debating this with anyone back home," Shelby says, finally turning to look at Nora, whom she found gazing back at her patiently.

“Why not?” Shelby doesn’t know how to begin to answer that, so they fall silent for a while, and the sound of the ocean and the noise of the others' conversation takes over the space between them. Finally, she sighs. Offers something about how her parents are kind of just non-negotiable with a lot of things, that way. And debating is not what ordained youth ministers do, anyway. _You’re just supposed to accept what you’re taught,_ Shelby almost wants to say. That feels more heretical than she’s feeling, though.

It’s not her religion she’s got a problem with, it might just be this version of it.

Her answer to Nora’s question felt like a cop-out; the feeling that she _still_ evading the truth needled at her in the silence. Maybe she could really talk to Nora. She seemed understanding, level-headed. Leagues beyond the most of the others gathered around the fire, that's for sure.

"Nora." Shelby gathered her knees to her torso, hugging herself.

"Yes?"

"I can't get into details, I really can't," Shelby starts, on the back foot already, "it's just hard for me, I respond the way I do to—homosexuality—” Shelby actually cringes at herself, there, and continues: “because I have to, it’s what’s expected of me at home. I can’t really afford to not fall in line,” Shelby looks back at her again, hesistating. "If you get what I'm sayin',"

"I...don't think I do," Nora replies slowly, confusion written on her face even in the diminishing light.

"I'm like Toni," Shelby mutters. Suddenly, she chuckles. "In one way only, really," she muses. “And I have to hide.”

"Oh. _Oh._ "

Seconds tick by, but Shelby doesn't have anything more to say. It feels like all her energy was sapped by that one round-about admission.

"It sounds like that'd be really hard, with your community and everything."

Shelby blinks a few times in shock. She'd been expecting Nora to demand she explain how she could possibly say what she did, or desperately try to believe it, if she really were "like Toni" as she claimed. There's a sudden lump in her throat: the only one to know and offer anything but judging or harsh words to her regarding this whole area of her life was Becca.

She's a little desperate not to burst into tears or anything right now, not sure she'd be able to stop once she goes down that road and everything involved, so she does her best to just savor the way Nora's understanding makes her feel.

After a deep breath, Shelby replies simply: "Yeah, it is." She can't bring herself to turn and thank Nora right now; she'll try some time soon, but her throat is tight again.

Nora gets up and announces that she'll be heading back. Shelby knows she doesn't need to beg her not to say anything, doesn't have it in her anyway. For her part, she only moves when the tide starts to reach her toes.

**Author's Note:**

> just a little things that came into my head and wouldn't leave. i kept wondering what it might be like if Shelby actually came out to the girls on the island, but i couldn't really picture her doing it in front of everyone.
> 
> might do another chapter where Shelby comes out to Dot, or Martha, or both lol.


End file.
